to Do on an Exam When You Know That You Are Going to Fail it Anyway
- Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming
"Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
- Talk the entire way through the exam.
Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked
to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure that you can hear me thinking."
Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
- Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume
at max level.
- On the answer sheet find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer
this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
- Run into the exam room looking about
frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've
found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
- 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip
up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
- Come into the exam wearing slippers,
a bathrobe, a towelon your head, and nothing else.
- Come down with a BAD case of Turett's
Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
- Bring things to throw at the instructor
when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
- As soon as the instructor hands you the
exam, eat it.
- Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your
things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
- Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into
it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
- Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your
papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
- Arrange a protest before the exam starts
(ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they
are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
- Show up completlely drunk (completely
drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for
- Comment on how sexy the instructor is
looking that day.
- Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.
After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm
here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
- If the exam is math/sciencs related,
make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary
numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
- Try to get people in the room to do a
- Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol.
Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice..
- During the exam, take apart everything
around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
- Bring a copy of every text that you have,
except for the one for the course that the exam is on. During the exam,
noisily flip through the pages of the texts like you are looking for the
answers. When the professor tries to take your exam away, point out that
you couldn't possibly be getting the answers for the test out of the texts
that you have with you.
- Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it
- Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the
exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough.
Repeat if necessary.
- Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About
5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any
of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
- Do the entire exam in another language.
If you don't know one, make one up!
- Bring a black marker. Return the exam
with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
- Every now and then, clap twice rapidly.
If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the
light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to
a clapper. DUH!"
- From the moment the exam begins, hum
the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you
to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling
the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
- After you get the exam, call the instructor
over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of